The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 116 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 27 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's 1st Name)." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'll be with you guys right away." Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo........ Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Taylor Lautner, yaaaaay!" In Background Rowlf: On Piano Keys Music In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music it's time to light the lights it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up it's time to dress up right it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show.......... Of Werewolf Howling Scene 1: Onstage/The Introduction Walter: "Thank you, everybody and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, it's been such a lovely evening for all of you out there." Scooter: "And I bet you're all wondering where Kermit is." (Brief pause) Scooter: "He was tired right after doing the previous episode, so we decided to let him sleep in for a bit." Walter: "But don't worry about it, he'll be here later on at the end of our show, and tonight's guest star is the most talented television and movie actors of all times, Mr. (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, let's give you an opening musical number." Opening musical number: I will Always Love You In Background Gonzo: "You know what, Camilla? there's something I was meant to say to you and-" Gonzo: If I '' ''should stay I would only be in your way so I'll go but I know I'll think of you '' ''every step of the way Gonzo (continued): and I '' ''will always love you I will always love you you my darling, you Fozzie: bittersweet memories (spoken) "of my rubber chicken." that is all I'm taking with me Fozzie (continued) '''''so goodbye please don't cry we both know I'm not what you,you need Gonzo: and I '' ''will always love you I will always love you you my darling, you Fozzie: I hope life treats you kind and I hope you have all you've dreamed of Gonzo: and I wish to you joy and happiness but above all this '' ''I wish you love'' Fozzie: ''and I '' ''will always love you I will always love you I will always love you I will always love you I will always love you I, I will always love you you, darling, I love you oh I'll always, I'll always love you..........'' Ends Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony......... Statler: "This classic song sure brings back the late Whitney Houston's memories." Waldorf: "Her heavenly spirit will always live on in our hearts and minds." Statler: "Beautiful ''music'' to my ''ears''!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Scooter in Kermit's office backstage....... Scooter: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear on Patrol sketch number: Littering Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patro''l." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Okay, just a few more steps here, perfect." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What's the trouble this time, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This young man has been caught littering in the park." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Very well then, tell me your name, please." Chip: "I'm Chip, kind sir, and I would never litter, it's a terrible idea." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent list and finds Chip's name written on here. Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Chip, you're innocent after all, you can let him go now, Patrol Bear." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob sir." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "Chip always knew how to throw his trash litter away." Statler: "Well he's never a litter bug." Waldorf: "Tell that to Gloria Globe!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot: A conversation about board games Walter: "So, (Guest Star's Name), what's your most favorite board game of all times?" Guest Star: "My most favorite board game to play is ''Operation Shrek Edition." Gonzo: "Well, my most favorite board game to play is Toy Story 3 Chutes and Ladders." Fozzie: "And I enjoy playing Pie Face myself." The Swedish Chef sketch number: chocolate fudge cake Swedish Chef: ''Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue'', ''orn desh, dee born desh'', ''de umn'' ''bork, bork, bork'' Swedish Chef:"Tuneeght's dessert menoo is chuculete-a foodge-a ceke-a, sooper yoommy guud." Swedish Chef: "Furst, preheet zee oofee tu three-a hoondred und feeffty degrees fehrenheeet." The Swedish Chef preheats the oven to 350 degrees fahrenheit. Swedish Chef: "Next, greese-a un ieeght inch ceke-a pun." The Swedish Chef greases an 8 inch cake pan. Swedish Chef: "Next, get oooot a lerge-a und medeeoom meexing bool." The Swedish Chef gets out a large and medium mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Puoor in zee chuculete-a foodge-a ceke-a meex." The Swedish Chef pours the chocolate fudge cake mix in the large mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Poot in oone-a coop ooff melted bootter." The Swedish Chef puts 1 cup of melted butter in the large mixing bowl as well. Swedish Chef: "Seexteee oooonces ooff semeesveet chuculete-a, chupped up." The Swedish Chef puts 16 ounces of semisweet chocolate, chopped up in the large mixing bowl as well too. Swedish Chef: "Tvu teespuuns ooff funeella ixtrect." The Swedish Chef puts 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract in the large mixing bowl as well too. Swedish Chef: "Seex lerge-a iggs, leeghtly beetee." The Swedish Chef cracks 6 large eggs in the large mixing bowl as well and he mixes them all up. Swedish Chef: "Poot in oone-a fuoort coop ooff vheepping creem." The Swedish Chef puts 1/4 cup of whipping cream in the medium mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Oone-a teblespuun ooff leeght curn syroop." The Swedish Chef puts 1 tablespoon of light corn syrup in the medium mixing bowl as well. Swedish Chef: "Und lest boot nut leest, oone-a teespuun ooff funeella ixtrect." The Swedish Chef puts 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract in the medium mixing bowl and he mixes them up as well. The Swedish Chef pours the mixed cake ingredients right into the 8 inch cake pan, puts on his oven mitts, then bakes it in the oven for 35 minutes. Timer Beeping The Swedish Chef takes the chocolate fudge cake outta the oven and places it right on the cooling rack. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a spreed zee chuculete-a frusteeng oon it." The Swedish Chef spreads chocolate frosting on the chocolate fudge cake and it comes to life. Talking Chocolate Fudge Cake: "Hey, thanks for frostin' me here." Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..... Statler: "Tim sure is good with those baking pans." Waldorf: "Just as soon as he learns how to bake with them." Statler: "Baked goods never go to waste!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Scooter in Kermit's office backstage again........ Scooter: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Automatic Trash Can Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "It sure is pretty boring around here." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Another day of Dr. Strangepork's inventions." Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, you guys, check out my new invention." Link Hogthrob: "What is it, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "It's the Automatic Trash Can." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What exactly does it do?" Dr. Strangepork: "It opens up automatically and takes trash litter away." Link Hogthrob: "Look out, here comes the trash litter!" Link Hogthrob and Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy duck their heads down and the trash litter comes right around them. Link Hogthrob: "Okay, Automatic Trash Can, do your stuff." The Automatic trash can gets rid of all of the trash litter. Dr. Strangepork: "And that's the solution of getting rid of trash litter." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What a relief." Link Hogthrob: "No more trash litter destroying our environment." Announcer: "Will Captain Link Hogthrob ever keep the Swine Trek tidy and clean? does 1st Mate Piggy know what's happening? will Dr. Strangepork ever work things out? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Statler: "The Automatic Trash Can reminds me of a classic Muppet Labs sketch number with the Automatic Waste Basket." Waldorf: "Those space pigs sure know how to keep the Swine Trek nice and clean." Statler: "Saving the universe!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Scooter in Kermit's office again...... Scooter: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Johnny as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so I was shopping at the grocery store and I came right across some empty cookie jars and said to myself and I quote ''Who stole those cookies from the cookie jar? ''you just can't make these up." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your cookie jar jokes." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Who's the patient this time, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice, ''observe'' and ''watch''." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls the corner of the green quilt to reveal Johnny as their patient. Johnny: "I can't believe I tripped on that blue roller-skate." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh wow, Johnny, like, what happened to you here?" Johnny: "I tripped on a blue roller-skate and hurt my right ankle, it's been real bizaar for me to leave everything lying around." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Johnny, that's you all over." Johnny: "Oh dear, I should've been more careful in the mean time." Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever keep every single patient healthy, safe and secure? ''will'' Nurse Piggy ever keep her magazines? ''does'' Nurse Janice know where to make paper copies? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, any word of advice for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Piggy, I found no broken bones in his right ankle." Muppet News Flash: 6 Vampire Clowns Newsman (off screen): "Here's a Muppet News Flash." The Newsman sits right at his desk. Newsman: "A crazy situation occured today, 6 vampire clowns have been invading our universe, be on the look out for vampire clowns, you don't wanna end up like any of them." 6 Muppet vampire clowns come charging in and the Newsman ducks his head in fear for cover. Newsman: "Good thing they didn't bite my neck." Cut to Scooter in Kermit's office backstage again..... Scooter: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Dance off Helmet Ticking Labs Theme Music In Background Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today, that's exactly right, we're testing out our new invention: the Dance off Helmet." (Brief pause) Bunen: "Have you ever wanted to catch disco fever? well then, the Dance off Helmet is the most perfect idea, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker will now demonstrate (he turns his head right over to where Beaker's standing.) come right this way, Beaker." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mee." Bunsen: "Now, Beaker, stand still, I'm gonna put this helmet on your head." Bunsen puts the Dance off Helmet on Beaker's head and flips the switch. Bunsen: "Observe' and 'watch' what happens." Beaker is dancing off to ''I will Survive. Beaker: In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, you're breaking into a lot of sweat there, but unfortunately, that's all the time we have left for this evening, so join us next time at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Waldorf: "I used to have disco fever back in those years." Statler: "And I enjoyed country rock music myself." Waldorf: "Good music never gets old!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Walter onstage again........ Walter: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it's time for the closing musical number." Closing musical number: My Girl In Background Kermit: I got sunshine on a cloudy day Fozzie: when it's cold outside I got the month of may Gonzo: I guess you say what can make me feel this way? my girl Link Hogthrob: my girl Kermit: my girl Fozzie: my girl Rizzo: talkin' 'bout my girl Gonzo: my girl Fozzie: I got so much honey the bees envy me Rizzo: I got a sweeta song dan de bi'ds in de trees Kermit: well I guess '' ''you say what can make me feel this way? my girl Gonzo: my girl Fozzie: my girl Rizzo: my girl Link Hogthrob: talkin' 'bout my girl Fozzie: my girl Rizzo: hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey whoaaahh Gonzo: I don't need no cash, fortune or a frame I got my riches, baby, 1 man can claim ''Rizzo: ''well I guess you say '''''what can make me feel dis way? my girl'' Kermit: ''my girl'' Gonzo: ''my girl'' Link Hogthrob: ''talkin' 'bout my girl'' Kermit: ''my girl'' Fozzie: ''I got sunshine on a cloudy day'' Gonzo: ''with my girl I even got the month of May'' Rizzo: ''wid my girl'' Link Hogthrob: ''talkin' 'bout'' Fozzie: ''talkin' 'bout'' Kermit: ''talkin' 'bout'' Rizzo: ''my girl'' Link Hogthrob: ''ohhhhhhh my girl'' ''Kermit: '''''as long as I can talk about my girl....... Scene 2: Back onstage/the introduction Walter: "Thanks a bunch for coming tonight, everybody, you were such a wonderful audience out here, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Mr. (Guest Star's Name)." The Guest Star arrives out onstage. Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, everybody, I really enjoyed being on this show with all of you guys." Fozzie: "Hey, you guys, Kermit's awake." Gonzo: "Here he comes right now." Robin, Bean, Rowlf, Scooter, Skeeter, Clifford, Walter '''' Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts